What it’s been like into the new year with Mr. Charlie you ask? Oh wait, you’re not asking - a mystery - a fluctuating of shadows - characters - carefully constructed within the confines of this seemingly regular object - my mind.
I’ve said quite a bit on this platform haven’t I? Could I say more? Do ‘they’ want me to say more? Do they appreciate me dropping in? Do they even want me dropping in? Does any of this necessarily matter?
You enjoy reading their work. So read it. Respond to it. Get to know them. Well, the ‘them’ that they’re willing to grace us with.
You suggesting that there’s more to them that isn’t displayed through this digital artform? I assume, because I’m aware of the unending amounts of conversations we’re having. Not even sure how many of you are up there between these ears.
New year, new this, new that, same trap. You understand the one I’m mentioning right? Yes, you up there reading this, I’ve exited the windows of this glass ceiling’d mind for a brief moment.
So you know, the trap. The one where you give yourself assorted timelines designated to convince yourself that the beginning of the year has anything to do with progress you could’ve began at any earlier date.
Don’t you talk to people like that, you fuckin asshole. You were the same exact way. Yes well, that means you were too dumbass.
I’m not the one coming off rude based on others willingness to create change within their lives. Okay - Neither am I. Only was stating that life can be short. Too short to wait for this timeline or that fixed position up ahead. Why? Because destination ‘up ahead’ may never come.
It certaintly didn’t come for the many loved one’s we’ve collectively lost. How we squander our time. Don’t worry we’re victims too. (figure of speech) not whining about it.
“People will do anything, no matter how absurd to avoid facing their own soul.”
We are the same you and I, yet so miraculously opposite. I mean, we don’t look alike, or share the same cultural identites, beliefs, morals, or background, but underneath that we most certainly are.
I can sense your pain in your writings, how though, what kind of question is that? You placed it out in the universe, specifically in this digital playground and I connected. Are you that alarmed that I took notice? Why would me being on your photos, notes, comments, or publications surprise you?
“Severely underestimating my capacity for empathy”
Do people misjudge your symptoms, or misread your signals? Do they wish to know you but you find yourself distanced due to the many bumps and bruises faced, leaving you with the mindset - I’ve learned that lesson one two many times. At arms length ‘feels’ like home?
I’ll approach when I’m ready…. Good, take your time, like us.
I get it. Really do. And I know many of our encounters have absolutely nothing to do with turbulence or disturbance. Now we proceed.
Shut up you don’t get shit. I don’t? What about the family who’s witnessed us survive addiction but treats it as more of a burden than a blessing huh? What about the misunderstandings when we were younger and when we were running rampant with undiagnosed symptoms, only to be judged on them later in life by the same people who claimed to be available for help?
So, we’re here now. What are you complaining for? No complaints at all dipshit I was letting those reader eyes up above know that we could relate, will you let me talk? Shit. Sure, whatever.
Much of my life (hit) “our” life, forgive the collective resting inside of me, they’re…a bit shy, disturbed, torn, heartbroken, shipwrecked, clingy, restless, fearful, shameful, etc…. etc.. SUPER ironic considering how in fact, much of the exact opposite in me exists alongside - at all these depths. Wrapped within their caves and caverns tucked away as I explore around this existence, while they reveal themselves at their own convenience.
I think of the many of you often, not to get sentimental, but from a place of what seems to be ‘real’. How much more do I know than the people within your own environment, strictly because of your willingness to express yourself within this space. You mean to tell ‘us’ over here that that bares no weight? No value?
Okay I agree with him, he’s right on this one, if you believe you’re lesser than anyone out here within this interwoven tapestry of flesh frolicking, then you my dear friend up there - reading - are wrong. Hey don’t get mad at ‘us.’
Just reminding you you have a place within this world, like it or not, believe it or not.
Having been delicately navigating this platform into this new year with a lot of reading. I mean a lot. I’m sure you’ve noticed, or you’ve been bothered by our appearance on your publications to learn further what makes up “you.” Lemme tell you, you’re more interesting than you think you are. You’re more of a story teller then you may believe yourself to be currently. You’re obviously beyond all the skeletons you’ve attempted to strangle in your interior wrestling matches. Or are you?
I’ll continue following up with you, no worries, you all outnumber me, but I’m not falling behind. Looking forward to learning more about you. Such beauty in our breakdowns we all are, don’t ya think? Can’t express how much fun it is surfing through what you’ve been so kind to share, yes, even if I’m one of the first there. In all fairness, not to get all moe on you all, but you’re all special, unique, deserving, bright, quirky, funny, insightful, inspiring, fun-filled, and exciting. Whether it’s in your pictures like how
so wonderfully displays to us - sharing transitioning periods between seasons, or your short stories - like one that recently touched on madness I’d call it when noticed in myself - by (The best we can do.) Don’t think I don’t see you guys in the comments either. #commentsectionsmatterhere #gratefulinteractionsQuite a few of you have already made quite the impression on me, us. But there’s been a select few of new faces on this side of the pond, whom I’m delighted to have in this community of ‘ours.’
Excuse me, “Dammit, why can’t I say what I really mean?”
Here we go, you people amaze me. I mean it. You people amaze. I often wonder how much more there is to you beyond just these words that we share with one another. Obviously, because there’s still much of you that never makes the cut onto this platform. I’m sure you’re like me even at times, pulling your hair out, rereading your ‘own’ work thinking (I could’ve said this, I forgot to say that, this writing wasn’t even my original intention.) Or do you always have it all sorted, primped, groomed, organized, structured perfectly as you curate your works of art in this substack gallery of ours?
You do? Damn wish I was more like you. Wait no, that’s not right, cause then nobody would be ‘us’ over here.
It’s been a pleasure recently finding myself in conversations from people all over the world, from a variety of backgrounds.
Let’s take
for example. One of the rarest people I’ve ever come across who captures the persistant threat that is at cohoots within us, like it or not. Whether that is within the form of ourselves and our younger selves, or us against that beast, that shadow that is a part of each and every one us - at every waking moment.“I do not think I split my time equally between Earth and Ether. Maybe this is why I feel as though no one here knows me. Yeah, perhaps they know a few years with me, know my neatly laid out trauma, but me? I have spent a fraction of my time here on earth in my body, socializing with others.” - Maurissa
Or what about
? In all my many years in life I’ve never run into so many people with such depth - who are ‘willing’ to take a shot at being vulnerable. We don’t have that problem though do we, substackers. And if we ever did, we combated those barriers with the first work we ever released into the universe. Taking that risk made all the difference didn’t it? Such an incredible memory now- having been a day ago - to have a universal reminder in the form of you. (The concept of discovering value in the exploration of making one crucial decision - to keep fighting.) Thankful for the run in with you Thaissa. Alive now - because I kept fighting also.Wait wait wait, hold up, hold your little horses there. We’re not finished with acknowledging our connections here.
To my surprise, I was shocked when
and I were caught in an exteremely important conversation, I feel, about a culture and practice that our universe could very well benefit from, on a global scale. The belief of ‘Ubuntu.’ I touched on it in my publication (A continuance of . . .) but that only led me to an enlightening and insightful share from Veronika, where she had responded from the heart while also sharing that she had written a piece on ‘Ubuntu’ on medium: deeper dive into 'UBUNTU' .Lovely isn’t it, we never know where our next bit of wander and play me lead us.
The journey didn’t stop there though, this weeks been filled with excellent encounters including diving into habits and there importance, andddddd there usefulness within our lives, told by
. Oh wait and and, yes I get thrilled in this space, I’m a recovering addict in a candy store of life, and the possibilities and opportunities are endless. Duh, get a clue y’all.And, what’s behind door number, you get my meaning. There we have our chance to share a laugh hosted by
. It’s underrated the amount of difference we all potentially can create depending on how we “choose” to interact with others. Take Camden here for example, Camden wouldn’t know me from a stranger on a sidewalk as he’d stroll through while cruising in his jeep, but he made me laugh. Not to mention, we share the same perspective on “He didn’t try to fight me, he can’t be from here.” hahaHow does this make a difference? C’mon people lighten up, the power of a laugh, feeling, agreement, disagreement, curiosity, all bare fruit - like Maurissa states - if you let it. Only, she mentions it in regards to sharing, but you get it. Or maybe you don’t because you don’t read my stuffies. All good, I read yours muhahaha.
I could use words like: priceless, invaluable, extravagant, remarkable, fascinating, wonderful, delightful, exquisite, exceptional, lovely, insightful, impactful. WAIT! that one, there STOP! you idiot we’re not done with this publication. Shhh they’re looking. Right, impactful.
For those new faces who haven’t heard about the background I’ve left behind, in a few words, I suffered from substance abuse.
Meth up until 3/18/2017 (Story coming soon, you won’t believe me)
-might do it on the podcast instead of here-
Heroin up until 3/2021
Fentanyl up until 8/2021 (last overdose: 2/11/2020)
Mushrooms/DMT up until 11/2021
(All in chronological order, all fancy now)
My entire point has been approaching new years year after year we want change - we crave it - some even demand it. Each and every waking day you have that opportunity. Life is THAT deep. We boldly insist there will be guaranteed time up ahead in store for us, believe me, I hope and wish the same, but understand there are absolutely NO GUARANTEES in this life.
Why not treat it is such? At the very least respect life in that way. How can we say we respect ourselves and the time we have here if in fact we don’t learn to respect ourselves. In our entireties. From every nook and cranny inside us. Sounds all guru or preachy - I get it. But how long do we continue to postpone or procrastinate or delay the lives we want or could work towards - in terms of quality - when all we have to do is make our damn minds up. Not so simple?
Having had a brother die 4 days after that last overdose of mine listed above, I’ve found myself in a position to value this life we’ve been granted in an extremely different way. Y’all, one day we’re not gonna be here. Express now. Share now. Have fun now. Laugh now. Make ammends now. Play now. Get creative now. Let go of what limits you now, or strive to learn how to. In this mind of mine the thought of “If I didn’t make it through my day” passes through often, used to trouble me immensly, but not anymore. My quality of life has improved and has been embraced through it all, good, bad, ugly, family, no family, friends, no friends, company, solitude, drugs, no drugs, brother, no brother, all through the appreciation I give to each fuckin moment. And believe me, I’m farrrrrrrrrr from being a damn saint. Farrrrrrr from educated. For damn certain - farrrr from perfect.
Anyways, your work brings me to this destination today, making writing like this possible. Making sharing like this possible. YOU INSPIRE ME. Stop looking around, yea you - reader -up there. Damn all this to pay you a simple compliment. I know I ramble. Sorry not sorry, cheers!
“People are strange: They are constantly angered by trivial things, but on a major matter like totally wasting their lives, they hardly seem to notice.”
―Charles Bukowski
This is deep.
Congratulations on making it this far, you’ve really transformed yourself.
Excited to see what’s next in store for you 🙏
Keep believing in yourself!
Proud of you for leaving the drugs behind, Charlie! Can’t wait to catch up on your writings!